Sticks and Stones

Dear Readers,
I have a boulder hanging over my head. Actually, three of them. On the imaginary timeline of the semester which gives me a general scope of limits, there are three humongous projects due, all within the same week. Its terrifying to think that all this research and writing will have to be done by then, but I still find myself procrastinating. Why is that? I'm excited about the projects, want to research and discover, explore the possibilities. Yet, every time I'm at the computer I find myself slacking off instead of working. This isn't like me at all. Maybe I'm having an identity crisis.

I have a problem with the execution of plans. For example take two summers ago. I planned my whole summer out, created lists of exciting trips, daydreamed about the fun things I would fill my time with. Then what did I do? Lay on the couch the whole summer! There is something satisfying about making plans, tediously weaving the strands of time together in your head to form a picture of what could happen. But it never gets done. Plans like this help me get through the semester: I create a time for myself when I have nothing else to do but sit down and read a book or go out to coffee with a friend. But when the time comes around, I'm too lazy to actually get up and do it.

The good thing is, my friends, that I've realized the problem. No longer do I tell people that I would like to talk to them with no intention of ever following through with the action. I go on coffee dates, stop in the middle of homework to check up on my roommates, and drop by my friend's rooms just to say hi. Its tiring, annoying at some times, inconvenient at others, but most of all, its satisfying. I'm true to my word, and true to my work. I get things done! Yay for me!

Creature Comforts

Dear Readers,
I miss my Brit Lit book. Remember that thing? It looked like a large paperback brick, was about 3,500 pages long, and consumed my life for the past year. It was my baby. I carried it around everywhere, whether it was to coffee, the DC, or even all the way home on long weekends. It fit into my arm like a puzzle piece; it just felt right to have it by my side at all times. This attachment wasn't extraneous or delusional: I needed my Brit Lit book by me at all times. At every spare moment, I got a jump start on the reading that was due the next week. I wasn't overachieving; I was finishing the assignment the only way I could. It consumed my life, but this wasn't a bad thing. I enjoy reading with all of my heart; I love being able to say that I have read a certain passage or take a pity quote from an author.

I have found out this semester that there was a certain comfort in my Brit Lit book. It was so predictable. Every assignment consisted of reading (which could be found on the one page syllabus folded in between the pages of my book). There weren't multiple books to keep track of, no special papers or projects that were assigned. Every day we would take a quiz then have 2 hours of lecture. Every couple of weeks we would have a test. That was it: simplicity and elegance in a college course. But I've graduated since then to other English classes. More specified English classes, ones that you have to write papers for and give reports in. This scares me: it's not predictable! Every class has a different date for each project, each project has certain specifications, plus the regular reading that comes along with it. I'm going out of my mind trying to think of what is due in the next week that I get so overwhelmed by just those facts that I completely miss the regular homework assignments.

I haven't quite found a moral to the story yet. I'm still getting used to the different schedules and classes that are being thrown my way. I'm absolutely enjoying every minute of the classes I'm enrolled in, but they are a lot of work (though I think worth the effort). But the good thing is that I'm a junior still: I have a year and a half yet to figure it out.

The Seventh Day

Dear Readers,
Its been a hard semester for me so far. Enjoyable, yes; relaxing, no. Rest has been a problem for me ever since I came back to Westmont. Of course, this problem did not just start inexplicably when I came to Santa Barbara; it has been building up in my daily routine for quite a while.
The root of the cause is that I don't find enjoyment in the things that I used to. My entire Ripon Christian experience consisted of basically two different mindsets. There was the hard work and dedication that I put into learning, as well as the time that I put into extracurriculars, musical and athletic. This was my 5-day work week, the time when the main amount of effort and exertion of my mind and body was poured out into those five days. I got a social, educational, and physical respite on the weekend: I would stay cooped up in our house, surfacing once or twice for a walk around the park or for church, maybe even a party once and a while. These days were wasted in electronic (yet ignorant nonetheless) bliss, eaten up by computer games and endless TV shows. This was how I relaxed, and it worked for me at the time. Sure, it wasn't the most wholesome or enriching use of my time, but it wasn't like I did that all the time; it was reserved for the weekends, something that I looked forward to, a goal that I worked towards.

I'm in college now. My world has been turned upside down; actually, more like bleared and smeared. My worlds have collided, to use a quote from Seinfeld. School and home are no longer separate entities to me. I no longer have the usual 8 hour school day with unlimited (OK, from 4-10pm) hours at home that I could fill my time with. My days are now filled with classes and commitments - I don't have spare time! Between 2 jobs, 3 classes, 4 singing groups, and 3 meals, I can't seem to find any time to take out of my schedule for the main purpose of relaxing. Not only this, but the times that I actually do have to relax are taken up with trying to figure out the best way for me to relax. I don't find the same enjoyment in the computer and the TV as I used to - to be honest, I'd much rather be reading a book. But the problem with this collision is that I'm afraid that my school work would interfere with my relaxation. Let me make this clear - I'm afraid that the reading I do for leisure will becomes confused and intermixed with the reading I have to do for my 2 English classes; bleared and smeared you might say.

Although this seems to be quite the paradox of a situation, don't depress yourselves gentle readers. I recently talked with a professor who offered me some sage advise: write. Therefore, I am going to be trying to take more time out of my schedule to do something which I love. And, thanks to this blog, you get to see the fruits of my labors. They might be short posts, they might be absurd or fragmented, and they might come at irregular intervals. But, know this my dear readers, you will be hearing more from me from now on. That I promise.

Windy Cities

Dear Readers,
As I sit here in my comfortable living room, waiting for the day to start, I am faced with the fact that tomorrow I will be off for a very busy/exciting/fun week in Chicago. The anticipation for this week has been building ever since I actually went down to the Davids Bridal in Oxnard to be sized for the two weddings that I would be in. At the time, these two weddings seemed horribly far away, and the dress I was trying on had no meaning to me. They were both beautiful satin outfits, one black, on dark blue. It didn't really make sense that this dress would be only one of many purchased by several loved ones to represent their commitment to the two people who would be getting married.

To tell you the truth, I never thought this day would come. This day where I would be packed up, waiting for my mom to shower and lug her bags out to the car where my dad would take us to the airport. Chicago seemed like a distant dream. Of course, I had loved the time up until now, sitting in my English classes looking up bridesmaids dresses instead of studying, thinking of how much fun I would have at this event, the joy that I would have in seeing the faces that I have loved so much over the years. It truly is an exciting thing to be sitting on this couch at this moment, waiting for these things to happen, because for the first time they finally seem tangible. Tomorrow I will be in Chicago!

There's no place like Home

Dear Readers,
I hang my head in shame that it has been so long since I have written. Let me tell you that it was not because I don't love you all, but in this past month I have horribly busy. You see, I stayed in Santa Barbara for a month longer than the rest of my fellow students for summer school. It was a bittersweet experience: I made some great friends, a few that I had never even met before, but I also had to take two horrible classes that I dreaded going to every day. Even though it was hard to say goodbye to my friends, I am glad to finally be at home even if it is only for a couple of days.
On Wednesday my mom and I head out for Iowa; we are going to go visit Julie and Erik. I'm not sure what we are going to do to entertain ourselves there for a week, but I will be bringing many books along just in case. When I get back from that, I'll have lots to keep my busy: camping trips, two weddings, organizing the DVDs, and of course reading. My friends and I have started a club called the "Finer Things Club"; we each picked out two books and we're going to have a rotating schedule to read and discuss these books every 2 weeks. I am very excited about this. Otherwise, my summer is looking pretty open, hopefully I'll have a lot of time to relax and catch up on some things. Peace out!

Martha, Martha, Martha!

Hello Readers,
I know that it has been a long time since I've written; and this sentence is giving me the strange sense of deja vu. Hmmm. Well, on other matters, it has been quite a good year for me. I'm sad to see it go, it seems like time is a thread slipping through my fingers, going just faster and faster while I can see it spinning on. My last class was yesterday, my last and only final is on Monday. Then, only a short time passes (3 days) and I'll be back at school. Yes, I know, its a travesty, but it can't be helped. College choir is singing at the graduation and they need my voice. Sigh.

To share some better news with you, gentle reader, I auditioned for the musical being produced next year. It's called "The Secret Garden", you have probably heard of it, its a famous children's book/movie. Well, I got the audition results late last night: I'm Martha, Mary's chambermaid. It's a pretty big part and I get a couple of songs that I get to sing, so I'm really excited. It's actually the part that I hoped for. I also found out that I got a music scholarship yesterday, which just puts some more money in the bank. :0)

Well, I've got to start getting ready to go out tonight, its our last time at juvenile hall tonight and we're leaving at 7. Peace and love!

Even Though I Walk....

Dear Readers,

  I know that it has been a long time since I have written.  It has been quite a journey from my last blog post to this current one: more school, a choir tour, spring break, a trip to LA, all compacted within a little over 1 month.  To give a little background to this next post, I need to inform you of some things that happened over spring break.  After traveling 4 days around central California (where I got to see several friends and KiKi), I went back home with 2 friends for spring break.  We planned to do many glorious things; a trip to San Francisco, a day lounging around the pool, journeying down to LA for a few days.  It was going to be amazing, although this was before I happened to get horribly sick, which managed to incapacitate me for over 3 days of the break.  Sadly, my friends traveled to LA without me but I managed to make it down the next day and was able to see them for the rest of the break.  My point in telling you all this is that ever since coming back from break I don't feel quite the same.  I wrote this note a few minutes ago and posted it on facebook for my friends, and I thought that I would share it with all of you as well.  It describes my thoughts and feelings as I've tried to cope with feeling distant from others around me, as well as with my Father in heaven.

I feel like an eagle right now; soaring above the valleys of human life, I am exempt from having to encounter any of it.  Alighting on a lonely mountain top, I can sit out of view while still going through the motions of life while not really experiencing any of it.  Like walking through murky water, some things stand out while other things recede into the shadowy distance, all resisting me as I try to move forward in life.  I find myself eating a lot of my meals alone by choice, perched in a corner table in an almost empty DC.  I feel more comfortable there.  Maybe it's the fact that it is almost summer; maybe it is the fact that I'm not getting enough sleep; maybe its just the sophomore slump finally hitting.  All I know is that I don't crave human contact, which is strange because I've always enjoyed being around people.  I'm not sure what to do with this new feeling, whether to ride it out or to force myself to be social.  Maybe a little bit of both.  Even though I've had some great times in the past couple of weeks, I find myself slipping back into this funk.  

God seems distant too, as distant as the clouds above my head.  I can't go up there and bring Him down to me, neither can I escape the fact that He is there watching me, guiding me.  He just seems unreachable, ungraspable.  Going through the book of Judges currently has got me down as well; maybe I should switch to something more encouraging - Romans perhaps?  Sometimes I feel like I cry out to God, and all I can hear is my own voice echoing across the distance until it fades out entirely.  But I still keep yelling until my voice is cracked and sore, until I have no more left in me.  I feel utterly alone, forsaken by both God and man.  And the problem is that I feel no concern about it.  It's the feeling you get on your last final, when you know its going to be terribly hard and that this grade could make or break your GPA, but you still feel yourself avoiding studying, foolishly convincing yourself that you remember it all.  I don't feel sick to my stomach; I feel empty.  I don't crave human attention; I crave inner peace.  And the worse thing is that I don't want to do anything about it; I want to lay on my back in the sun and stare into the sky.

Sitting, Waiting, Wishing

Hello Readers,

  Well, I had my first celebrity citing of my time here at Santa Barbara.  Coming to Westmont, I believed that I would be seeing famous people all over the place; after all, we have Ellen DeGeneres living on the street next to us!  This, however, is not the case.  Montecito is full of college students, middle-aged balding men, and moms driving huge shiny suburbans; this is contrary to my expectations of Santa Barbara before coming to Westmont.  Ironically, it wasn't even in SB that I saw him, but after church at a little cafe called Jack's Bagels.  I was standing in line, trying to decide what type of bagel I would like my eggs on, and all of my friends start going crazy.  This went unnoticed by me for a while, as I was very wrapped up in the choice of my breakfast.  Finally, my friend Vicki was kind enough to let me know that Jack Johnson was only a couple feet away from me.  It was really cool seeing him, and even more awesome to come back and let everyone know that I had seen him in person.  haha

The Sweetness of Friendship

Hello Readers,

  I baked the most delicious chocolate chip cookies this past Sunday.  Rich, soft, buttery little treats, they were filled with not only chocolate chips but also butterscotch ones.  Taking a huge bag back to college with me, I planned to ration them out, hiding half of them for myself while letting only a few choice friends share in the joy with me.  My sentiments quickly changed however, when the word got out that I had some in my room.  The amount in the bag quickly dropped, and many people expressed their thanks and praise.

  

  Throughout this process, I realized something; although the cookies would have given me a temporary joy that only chocolate can give, this would have quickly died into feelings of regret.  By giving the cookies away, I was able not only to lift other's people's spirits, but also my own.  There is something irresistibly pleasing about seeing someone else enjoy a treat that you have given them.  I ended up not only letting everyone take my cookies, but even went around with the bag, giving them to random people to lift up their day.  Now, with a bag full of crumbs, I feel satisfied in the fact that everyone that matters to me here at Westmont got a homemade cookie, baked with love and given with joy.

The Ecstasy of Accomplishment

Hello Readers,

  I must first start out this entry with an apology, mostly to you my dear readers.  In the hectic and sometimes stress-fraught schedule which I happen to call my life, I sometimes tend to get behind schedule on things.  This past week was one of those times, when the work keeps on piling up, even though you are speeding your way through Romeo and Juliet while doing your chemistry homework.  This is a period in everyone's life where the left and right lobes of the brain work together, pulling their weight often at the same time.  And, dear readers, it is in this time that I could not tear myself away from all of the piles of homework that clutter up my desk to write you, my beloved friends.  I hope that my apology is warmly taken.

  Now, on to my accomplishment.  It really was quite a feat, and because of this I am extremely proud of myself for the fact that I am finished.  Let me explain myself.  My major American authors class is taught by one of the best profs at Westmont.  This is her last semester here, which is why I am in the class at the moment.  The two hours every TTH that I have spent have been some of the most rich and fulfilling times in my life, the discussion and lectures are absolutely riveting.  At the present we are finishing up Walden, and while this has been a struggle to read, the real test of our knowledge comes with our first big paper.  That's right, 5-7 pages of carefully chosen words, thought-invoking ideas, and tedious editing.  This paper has been said to equal a normal 10-12 page research paper in the amount of work that we should be putting into it.  And guess what......I'm done!  I just finished, and let me tell you, it is a masterpiece.  I have explored every crevice of the chapter on Solitude, teased out the meanings of different words and ideas, dug deep into the rich soil that Thoreau planted his seeds of genius on.  And I'm going to celebrate now by finishing up my other homework, which consists of the whole of Frankenstein and yet another short story by Edgar Allen Poe.  But, before I did this, I decided to write you, my dear readers, because you matter to me.  And I wanted a break from the work.

Busy Bees

Hello Readers,

  As you read this post, you may be thinking to yourselves, "why has there been a considerable gap of time in which there was no posting"?  To answer this question, dear reader, I will describe the frenzied events of the past week, and maybe then you will be able to sympathize with my procrastination.

  Being a sophomore in college, naturally my weeks are filled with an abundance of classes, tests, papers, and reading, which take up a considerable amount of my time.  In addition to these regular appointments, I have other extracurriculars which eat up even more of my time.  One of these was the chapel band recording session that happened on Monday.  We just did the recording for our upcoming CD (I sing on 3 of the songs!), which took from 6 to 11 at night.  I also have several juvenile hall meetings that go on throughout the week, whether is leading the worship at the Bible study that is on Monday nights, praying for the kids on Tuesday, or going there to play games with the kids on Fridays.  On top of all these activities, I have been rushing around trying to get papers written and forms signed for my application to the Oregon Extension, which has been difficult.

  So, you see dear reader, even though I love to keep you updated on the numerous thoughts running through my head, some things take priority.  But, I will let you know, it does feel good to be back on the computer, releasing some of my thoughts for the first time all week.  Right now I am feeling pretty lonely because all of my friends are attending a musical (Into the Woods) that I saw last week, so I am all by myself doing homework.  Kind of sad, but at least I'm getting it done.  I did have a pretty good week, even though it was busy.  I was getting sick last Sunday (sick to stomach, runny nose, cough) but I got over it by Wednesday, which is a true miracle!  yay!  I also have been trying the whole week to get in touch with both Erik and Julie, both of who will not return my calls!  Grrrrrrr.

  In closing, I want to let all of you who actually read my blog that I really do appreciate you checking up on me and taking the time to read my thoughts.  It means a lot to me.

PS, In response to my previous post, entitled Joy by Surprise, I am willing to address several complaints that I have gotten.  I will not revoke the statements that I put out in that blog, though I must point out that they were not directed at any one in particular.  I also must say that I have enjoyed the care packages that I had received so far.  My point was mainly to inspire relatives to be a little more spontaneous (one way would be to send me a care package!).

Joy By Surprise

Hello Readers,

  This post comes in response to a conversation that I had with one of my dear relations only a couple of minutes ago.  It seems that in my family we do not know the joy, nor the technique, of surprise.  Now, in my limited experience, surprise can be one of the best experiences, whether it is a flower placed outside the door of a friend, a loved one taking the time to write you a little note, or a huge care-package that is filled with tons of goodies.  Many of my close friends have received one of these packages, and I have also but from someone I wouldn't expect.  This person was someone that I had once babysitted for and who I knew vaguely from youth group.  It was a great joy to open up the box and discover many foil-wrapped baked goods, along with a little note explaining how she hoped that I would get through this semester.  Not only did the snacks satisfy my appetite and get me away from the horrible DC food for a while, but this little gesture of love and kindness filled my day with joy.

  What I'm really trying to get at is that there is no way that a college student can express the joy that he/she gets from receiving a little unexpected love from home.  Not only does it make us happy for the week, but it reminds us that there are people at home who love and care about us.  Now, I know that not all of us have the time to go around making care packages, but students realize this, which makes a care-package all that more special.  Stuffed with necessities and goodies, this surprise that can easily be provided by parents is something that people like me dream about, and look forward to with anticipation.

  Unfortunately, I have never received one from my parents.  Nor my relatives (except Julie, who sent me a card once).  Not only is this horribly disappointing for me, it makes me feel like no one at home cares enough about me to take the time to collect a few trinkets and snacks to surprise me with.  And this fact makes me sad.

  Yet there is hope in this - I still have more than 2 years of college left.  So, repent of your sins and get those packages in the mail!!!

Tuesday Blues

Hello Readers,

  I am currently suffering with a horrible case of the Tuesday blues.  That's right, the Tuesday Blues.  Not only am I tired from getting way to little sleep last night because of a bad dream, it is also sprinkling outside, which really sets the mood for today.  Actually, today should be a good day because I have my Monday class schedule today (don't ask me why they switched it for just today), which is much less of a work load than my Tuesday/Thursday class schedule.  I only have one more class to go to today, other than college choir, where we just sit around and sing for an hour.  So, I really should be happy.  But for some reason, I have this horrible feeling in my stomach, like I have forgotten a huge paper to write or I have accidentally left the water running for the bath that I took two days ago.  I've been racking my mind, trying to think of what I have forgotten, but really there is nothing.  I did all of my work this weekend, with the help of the 3-day weekend that we had.  Maybe it is that I haven't finished all of Walden yet, but that doesn't have to be done until next week.  Then there's a paper that I wrote over the break, where I actually screwed up and wrote it about the wrong thing, but I know that the teacher will still take it because she only cares about whether it is well-written.  But, still, there is this horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach that just won't go away.

The Perfect Morning

Hello Readers,

  I just wanted to update you all on the perfect morning that I have been having.  It has been so picturesque, so perfect that it could be straight out of a movie.  Now before you start laughing at my ridiculousness at this idea of "the perfect morning", let me explain to you exactly what happened.

  All good mornings start with sleeping in.  This is a prerequisite to having a good morning in the life of a college student.  Now, some may argue that a good morning constitutes getting up early and, for example, watching the sun rise.  I concede that this also may be a good way to pass a morning, but this is why I added the phrase "in the life of a college student".  So, I woke up around 10am this morning, feeling rested and ready to start the day.  After doing my regular hygiene routine, I ripped the sheets of my bed and headed downstairs to the laundry room.  Although you may say that this looks like the start of a regular day (aka, doing work), this is a big step for me.  I only washed my sheets 2 times last semester (yes, I also cringe at that number, yet it is, sadly, true).  I am determined to be better at that this semester.  Anyways, back to the story.  Next I made myself a steaming hot cup of English breakfast tea, supplemented by generous doses of milk and honey, and taking my Norton Anthology of English Literature, I leisurely strolled down to the lounge and read William Coleridge for the next hour.  This was really the best part of my morning.  It felt freeing, yet good because this is part of my homework.

  The rest really isn't that interesting.  I took a shower, got my sheets and put them back on my bed.  There's something about the smell of newly washed linens that lifts my spirits.  Now, for the rest of the day, I will be doing various tasks which involve shopping for tights (I'm going to a Pinkus Zuckerman concert next week), spending my gift certificate to Macys, and watching another movie with my friends tonight.

  I'm predicting that today will be a good day.

Twenty Two

Hello Gentle Readers,

  This is the way in which my super-cool, soft-spoken English teacher addresses us, the class, in her emails to us.  So, I thought that I would update you on that first of all, and secondly to give credit to her for that fine phrase so I don't get charged with plagiarism with what is only my third attempt at blogging.  Anyways, I digress

  Twenty two.  The importance of this number is indicated/implied by the title of this blog.  Why twenty two, you may ask yourselves?  What is the reason for this obscure number taking the title of one of the infinite pages of cyberspace that chronicles the thoughts, ideas, and daily life of a college student?  I'll tell you why!  Because that is how many profile views I have already!  Twenty two!  Actually, I prefer to write it out 22 because I think it looks bigger.  This useful little tool on the side of my dashboard (tech speak for how I view and manage my own profile) tells me how to measure myself against other bloggers by telling me the exact number of people who have visited my page.  The worst thing about it is that I keep telling myself that this is just a number, yet I find myself wanting that number to go up.....a lot.

  Not that these things matter much to my life at all, but I would like all of your readers to keep updated on my daily life, which I should actually start updating you on.  I'm currently quite excited about tomorrow, since I don't have my normal 8o'clock early-bird-special class so that means that I get to sleep in until 9.  Yessss.  Even though I know that it isn't very late to sleep in, the thought of not having to wake up early and go listen to Mozart is bliss.  Plus, since Martin Luther King's holiday is on Monday, I also get that off!

  Now, on the downside, I have 150 pages of reading in only 1 class!  150!  Plus an extra 80 pages in my British literature class.  Then an essay where I have to stare at an inanimate object for 30 minutes and write down only what I see (if you have any suggestions on what I should stare at, please post them on this blog!).  Wow, I'm getting tired just thinking about it.  I should probably go to bed too, speaking of tired.  OK, I'm off to count sheep, but please before you go to bed tonight, think of me.  Pity me.  Pray for me.  And, most of all, thank God that you aren't the one that has to stress out over some dead person wrote 100 years ago.

In the beginning...

Hi peeps,

  Wow, my first blog post ever!  This is certainly a monumental moment in the history of my life, as was my first wall post on facebook or the first time that I sent a text message.  And, even though I resist these technological changes to my lifestyle, they keep on creeping in, and finally getting me addicted like the rest of America to the worthless desire that everyone in America wants to know my thoughts.  But, seriously, this blog is for the few people I tell about it, unless my writing style is much better than I think it is and this blog becomes wildly popular.  Then, I may have to pay a little more attention to my grammar.

  Anyways, it is 10:49 right now in Santa Barbara and I should be heading to bed shortly, but I was in a literary mood, having read several different renowned authors in the past couple of hours, and wanted to make my crude, yet heartfelt contribution.  I have my hardest day coming up tomorrow and I just want it to be over with already.  Selecting classes last semester, I truly thought that it would be "fun" to have two two-hour-long English classes back to back every TTH.  Not the case, as I am quickly finding out.  Although, I am not quite brimming with teenage angst, I fear that it may get to the point in the semester where it comes to collapsing on the floor in tears after realizing that your computer, containing the 6 page paper you spent a month working on, has crashed and you are now hopelessly doomed.  This is real life Tragedy (take that Romeo and Juliette!).

  Even though I should be going to bed shortly, I will make this one promise to my faithful, yet few devotees (a coterie following, if you will have it): that I will try and keep this blog up as best as I can.  I can't promise that my life and thoughts will be interesting, thought-provoking, or even just entertaining, but I can assure you that I will devote myself as best as I can to posting them on this obscure little page among the masses.  And, please, tell me your harshest critiques.  As an aspiring English major, I should be able to take them, or at least cry myself to sleep and learn from them years down the road.  OK, enough of being morbid, goodnight my fair readers, I will be updating you shortly.  Amen and goodnight!