There's no place like Home

Dear Readers,
I hang my head in shame that it has been so long since I have written. Let me tell you that it was not because I don't love you all, but in this past month I have horribly busy. You see, I stayed in Santa Barbara for a month longer than the rest of my fellow students for summer school. It was a bittersweet experience: I made some great friends, a few that I had never even met before, but I also had to take two horrible classes that I dreaded going to every day. Even though it was hard to say goodbye to my friends, I am glad to finally be at home even if it is only for a couple of days.
On Wednesday my mom and I head out for Iowa; we are going to go visit Julie and Erik. I'm not sure what we are going to do to entertain ourselves there for a week, but I will be bringing many books along just in case. When I get back from that, I'll have lots to keep my busy: camping trips, two weddings, organizing the DVDs, and of course reading. My friends and I have started a club called the "Finer Things Club"; we each picked out two books and we're going to have a rotating schedule to read and discuss these books every 2 weeks. I am very excited about this. Otherwise, my summer is looking pretty open, hopefully I'll have a lot of time to relax and catch up on some things. Peace out!

Martha, Martha, Martha!

Hello Readers,
I know that it has been a long time since I've written; and this sentence is giving me the strange sense of deja vu. Hmmm. Well, on other matters, it has been quite a good year for me. I'm sad to see it go, it seems like time is a thread slipping through my fingers, going just faster and faster while I can see it spinning on. My last class was yesterday, my last and only final is on Monday. Then, only a short time passes (3 days) and I'll be back at school. Yes, I know, its a travesty, but it can't be helped. College choir is singing at the graduation and they need my voice. Sigh.

To share some better news with you, gentle reader, I auditioned for the musical being produced next year. It's called "The Secret Garden", you have probably heard of it, its a famous children's book/movie. Well, I got the audition results late last night: I'm Martha, Mary's chambermaid. It's a pretty big part and I get a couple of songs that I get to sing, so I'm really excited. It's actually the part that I hoped for. I also found out that I got a music scholarship yesterday, which just puts some more money in the bank. :0)

Well, I've got to start getting ready to go out tonight, its our last time at juvenile hall tonight and we're leaving at 7. Peace and love!

Even Though I Walk....

Dear Readers,

  I know that it has been a long time since I have written.  It has been quite a journey from my last blog post to this current one: more school, a choir tour, spring break, a trip to LA, all compacted within a little over 1 month.  To give a little background to this next post, I need to inform you of some things that happened over spring break.  After traveling 4 days around central California (where I got to see several friends and KiKi), I went back home with 2 friends for spring break.  We planned to do many glorious things; a trip to San Francisco, a day lounging around the pool, journeying down to LA for a few days.  It was going to be amazing, although this was before I happened to get horribly sick, which managed to incapacitate me for over 3 days of the break.  Sadly, my friends traveled to LA without me but I managed to make it down the next day and was able to see them for the rest of the break.  My point in telling you all this is that ever since coming back from break I don't feel quite the same.  I wrote this note a few minutes ago and posted it on facebook for my friends, and I thought that I would share it with all of you as well.  It describes my thoughts and feelings as I've tried to cope with feeling distant from others around me, as well as with my Father in heaven.

I feel like an eagle right now; soaring above the valleys of human life, I am exempt from having to encounter any of it.  Alighting on a lonely mountain top, I can sit out of view while still going through the motions of life while not really experiencing any of it.  Like walking through murky water, some things stand out while other things recede into the shadowy distance, all resisting me as I try to move forward in life.  I find myself eating a lot of my meals alone by choice, perched in a corner table in an almost empty DC.  I feel more comfortable there.  Maybe it's the fact that it is almost summer; maybe it is the fact that I'm not getting enough sleep; maybe its just the sophomore slump finally hitting.  All I know is that I don't crave human contact, which is strange because I've always enjoyed being around people.  I'm not sure what to do with this new feeling, whether to ride it out or to force myself to be social.  Maybe a little bit of both.  Even though I've had some great times in the past couple of weeks, I find myself slipping back into this funk.  

God seems distant too, as distant as the clouds above my head.  I can't go up there and bring Him down to me, neither can I escape the fact that He is there watching me, guiding me.  He just seems unreachable, ungraspable.  Going through the book of Judges currently has got me down as well; maybe I should switch to something more encouraging - Romans perhaps?  Sometimes I feel like I cry out to God, and all I can hear is my own voice echoing across the distance until it fades out entirely.  But I still keep yelling until my voice is cracked and sore, until I have no more left in me.  I feel utterly alone, forsaken by both God and man.  And the problem is that I feel no concern about it.  It's the feeling you get on your last final, when you know its going to be terribly hard and that this grade could make or break your GPA, but you still feel yourself avoiding studying, foolishly convincing yourself that you remember it all.  I don't feel sick to my stomach; I feel empty.  I don't crave human attention; I crave inner peace.  And the worse thing is that I don't want to do anything about it; I want to lay on my back in the sun and stare into the sky.

Sitting, Waiting, Wishing

Hello Readers,

  Well, I had my first celebrity citing of my time here at Santa Barbara.  Coming to Westmont, I believed that I would be seeing famous people all over the place; after all, we have Ellen DeGeneres living on the street next to us!  This, however, is not the case.  Montecito is full of college students, middle-aged balding men, and moms driving huge shiny suburbans; this is contrary to my expectations of Santa Barbara before coming to Westmont.  Ironically, it wasn't even in SB that I saw him, but after church at a little cafe called Jack's Bagels.  I was standing in line, trying to decide what type of bagel I would like my eggs on, and all of my friends start going crazy.  This went unnoticed by me for a while, as I was very wrapped up in the choice of my breakfast.  Finally, my friend Vicki was kind enough to let me know that Jack Johnson was only a couple feet away from me.  It was really cool seeing him, and even more awesome to come back and let everyone know that I had seen him in person.  haha

The Sweetness of Friendship

Hello Readers,

  I baked the most delicious chocolate chip cookies this past Sunday.  Rich, soft, buttery little treats, they were filled with not only chocolate chips but also butterscotch ones.  Taking a huge bag back to college with me, I planned to ration them out, hiding half of them for myself while letting only a few choice friends share in the joy with me.  My sentiments quickly changed however, when the word got out that I had some in my room.  The amount in the bag quickly dropped, and many people expressed their thanks and praise.

  

  Throughout this process, I realized something; although the cookies would have given me a temporary joy that only chocolate can give, this would have quickly died into feelings of regret.  By giving the cookies away, I was able not only to lift other's people's spirits, but also my own.  There is something irresistibly pleasing about seeing someone else enjoy a treat that you have given them.  I ended up not only letting everyone take my cookies, but even went around with the bag, giving them to random people to lift up their day.  Now, with a bag full of crumbs, I feel satisfied in the fact that everyone that matters to me here at Westmont got a homemade cookie, baked with love and given with joy.

The Ecstasy of Accomplishment

Hello Readers,

  I must first start out this entry with an apology, mostly to you my dear readers.  In the hectic and sometimes stress-fraught schedule which I happen to call my life, I sometimes tend to get behind schedule on things.  This past week was one of those times, when the work keeps on piling up, even though you are speeding your way through Romeo and Juliet while doing your chemistry homework.  This is a period in everyone's life where the left and right lobes of the brain work together, pulling their weight often at the same time.  And, dear readers, it is in this time that I could not tear myself away from all of the piles of homework that clutter up my desk to write you, my beloved friends.  I hope that my apology is warmly taken.

  Now, on to my accomplishment.  It really was quite a feat, and because of this I am extremely proud of myself for the fact that I am finished.  Let me explain myself.  My major American authors class is taught by one of the best profs at Westmont.  This is her last semester here, which is why I am in the class at the moment.  The two hours every TTH that I have spent have been some of the most rich and fulfilling times in my life, the discussion and lectures are absolutely riveting.  At the present we are finishing up Walden, and while this has been a struggle to read, the real test of our knowledge comes with our first big paper.  That's right, 5-7 pages of carefully chosen words, thought-invoking ideas, and tedious editing.  This paper has been said to equal a normal 10-12 page research paper in the amount of work that we should be putting into it.  And guess what......I'm done!  I just finished, and let me tell you, it is a masterpiece.  I have explored every crevice of the chapter on Solitude, teased out the meanings of different words and ideas, dug deep into the rich soil that Thoreau planted his seeds of genius on.  And I'm going to celebrate now by finishing up my other homework, which consists of the whole of Frankenstein and yet another short story by Edgar Allen Poe.  But, before I did this, I decided to write you, my dear readers, because you matter to me.  And I wanted a break from the work.

Busy Bees

Hello Readers,

  As you read this post, you may be thinking to yourselves, "why has there been a considerable gap of time in which there was no posting"?  To answer this question, dear reader, I will describe the frenzied events of the past week, and maybe then you will be able to sympathize with my procrastination.

  Being a sophomore in college, naturally my weeks are filled with an abundance of classes, tests, papers, and reading, which take up a considerable amount of my time.  In addition to these regular appointments, I have other extracurriculars which eat up even more of my time.  One of these was the chapel band recording session that happened on Monday.  We just did the recording for our upcoming CD (I sing on 3 of the songs!), which took from 6 to 11 at night.  I also have several juvenile hall meetings that go on throughout the week, whether is leading the worship at the Bible study that is on Monday nights, praying for the kids on Tuesday, or going there to play games with the kids on Fridays.  On top of all these activities, I have been rushing around trying to get papers written and forms signed for my application to the Oregon Extension, which has been difficult.

  So, you see dear reader, even though I love to keep you updated on the numerous thoughts running through my head, some things take priority.  But, I will let you know, it does feel good to be back on the computer, releasing some of my thoughts for the first time all week.  Right now I am feeling pretty lonely because all of my friends are attending a musical (Into the Woods) that I saw last week, so I am all by myself doing homework.  Kind of sad, but at least I'm getting it done.  I did have a pretty good week, even though it was busy.  I was getting sick last Sunday (sick to stomach, runny nose, cough) but I got over it by Wednesday, which is a true miracle!  yay!  I also have been trying the whole week to get in touch with both Erik and Julie, both of who will not return my calls!  Grrrrrrr.

  In closing, I want to let all of you who actually read my blog that I really do appreciate you checking up on me and taking the time to read my thoughts.  It means a lot to me.

PS, In response to my previous post, entitled Joy by Surprise, I am willing to address several complaints that I have gotten.  I will not revoke the statements that I put out in that blog, though I must point out that they were not directed at any one in particular.  I also must say that I have enjoyed the care packages that I had received so far.  My point was mainly to inspire relatives to be a little more spontaneous (one way would be to send me a care package!).