Even Though I Walk....

Dear Readers,

  I know that it has been a long time since I have written.  It has been quite a journey from my last blog post to this current one: more school, a choir tour, spring break, a trip to LA, all compacted within a little over 1 month.  To give a little background to this next post, I need to inform you of some things that happened over spring break.  After traveling 4 days around central California (where I got to see several friends and KiKi), I went back home with 2 friends for spring break.  We planned to do many glorious things; a trip to San Francisco, a day lounging around the pool, journeying down to LA for a few days.  It was going to be amazing, although this was before I happened to get horribly sick, which managed to incapacitate me for over 3 days of the break.  Sadly, my friends traveled to LA without me but I managed to make it down the next day and was able to see them for the rest of the break.  My point in telling you all this is that ever since coming back from break I don't feel quite the same.  I wrote this note a few minutes ago and posted it on facebook for my friends, and I thought that I would share it with all of you as well.  It describes my thoughts and feelings as I've tried to cope with feeling distant from others around me, as well as with my Father in heaven.

I feel like an eagle right now; soaring above the valleys of human life, I am exempt from having to encounter any of it.  Alighting on a lonely mountain top, I can sit out of view while still going through the motions of life while not really experiencing any of it.  Like walking through murky water, some things stand out while other things recede into the shadowy distance, all resisting me as I try to move forward in life.  I find myself eating a lot of my meals alone by choice, perched in a corner table in an almost empty DC.  I feel more comfortable there.  Maybe it's the fact that it is almost summer; maybe it is the fact that I'm not getting enough sleep; maybe its just the sophomore slump finally hitting.  All I know is that I don't crave human contact, which is strange because I've always enjoyed being around people.  I'm not sure what to do with this new feeling, whether to ride it out or to force myself to be social.  Maybe a little bit of both.  Even though I've had some great times in the past couple of weeks, I find myself slipping back into this funk.  

God seems distant too, as distant as the clouds above my head.  I can't go up there and bring Him down to me, neither can I escape the fact that He is there watching me, guiding me.  He just seems unreachable, ungraspable.  Going through the book of Judges currently has got me down as well; maybe I should switch to something more encouraging - Romans perhaps?  Sometimes I feel like I cry out to God, and all I can hear is my own voice echoing across the distance until it fades out entirely.  But I still keep yelling until my voice is cracked and sore, until I have no more left in me.  I feel utterly alone, forsaken by both God and man.  And the problem is that I feel no concern about it.  It's the feeling you get on your last final, when you know its going to be terribly hard and that this grade could make or break your GPA, but you still feel yourself avoiding studying, foolishly convincing yourself that you remember it all.  I don't feel sick to my stomach; I feel empty.  I don't crave human attention; I crave inner peace.  And the worse thing is that I don't want to do anything about it; I want to lay on my back in the sun and stare into the sky.