Dreaming with God

Dear Readers,
On Easter Sunday I had the wonderful opportunity to be alone in a car for 6 hours. I had been in Oakdale for the weekend, but the drive had to be done both ways by myself, and while I spent the first one alternating between listening to an audiobook and singing at the top of my lungs, the trip back was a little different. I did finish the audio book, but when I stopped for gas I noticed a simple text message from a friend that said "The Holy Spirit is with you."

And for some reason, that released me. While He was there all along, I felt the heavy presence of the Lord when I got back in the car. So I turned off the stereo, sat back and relaxed in the bath of the Holy Spirit. And it was amazing - driving around those golden hills, sweeping through valleys and cresting hills, I saw my future laid before me. And it was beautiful.

It's hard for me not to get impatient for these times to come. I know that there is a point at which everything is going to blow up! And in the past year, things have blown up for me - now I have a church that I love, friends upon friends, leadership positions, community like I've never known it before. And yet...there are still parts of the puzzle missing.

And maybe that's what dreams are for - strength for today and bright hope...glistening hope....for tomorrow.

Words and More Words

Dearest Readers,
Sometimes I feel like writing a song - a good song, not just some chintzy, slapped-together, cliche-ridden tangle of words - is like birthing a child. Or what I imagine birthing a child would be like. Songs grow inside me. They don't flow like a fountain from me. I don't have that gift that my emotions and thoughts can come out expressly in poignant phrases. They have to develop, to become rich and deep. It's like making a reduction in cooking - you have to boil down all the excess thoughts and emotions so that whatever isn't necessary is burned out, leaving you with the powerful, tangy teaspoon of a thought. And that takes time for me.

I think its because in my heart, deep down to the core of my being, I am a fiction writer. And fiction writers, bless their hearts, write. A lot. I am not a woman of few words. In fact, I tend in the opposite. I can talk a lot, I can write a lot, and there are never enough words to express my true feelings.

I also have the problem of falling into the snare of cliches. When you try to write a song, especially a song to or about God, it's so easy to throw in an "amazing grace," "rain/flood/fountain of love," or even a "hallelujah, amen!" I want so badly for my words to be alive, dividing so precisely between joint and marrow so that they leave no room for underdone, overplayed phrases. I want my words to be fresh, not flowery. But it's hard - I love flowers. I love love. I love God - but I don't want to sing it like that.

But the good thing, dearest readers, is that I'm pregnant again (!) with a new song. I can feel it. It's like an itch that you can't scratch, a thought that has barely escaped your memory, a dream that you just can't quite remember. I have no idea what the words are, nor what the melody is, but I can feel it swelling inside me, getting ready to be birthed one day from the mind to the page. And that's something to get excited about!

What to do with Love

OK, here's a sonnet I just wrote. It's not quite traditional, although I'm not quite traditional so I feel like it works. Let me just say - its in the starting phases, and I don't know if it will ever get past that, but I couldn't get to sleep tonight because the Holy Spirit was just super heavy tonight and after an encounter like that I always have trouble sleeping. Sigh. But here's the fruit!!

With words I paint a symphony of love.

Wrap form and phrase around pictures of what

the rise and fall of breathe and life above

the sky, where you and I will meet and cut

along the edge of what boundary means.

With ones and twos and threes, we come along

paths together to discover the things 

that were meant to be said and told so long

ago. That you carry my heart with yours,

wrap me with love so thick the weight burdens

my heart for this cold world, with it’s sores

so deep and cruel that only fools so yearn

for redemption. But that is what your love will do.

Change hearts and minds and souls with truth. 

Dear Readers,
I've been doing a little reading myself lately. Mostly of this blog. Wahahahahah! No, no, I will say that I spent two good hours this morning alone in a coffee shop with nothing but my Bible, journal, and Bill Johnson's book Release the Power of Jesus. But for the past 15 minutes or so, I've been discovering the hidden gems in my own blog. Take this post for example:

I can't promise that my life and thoughts will be interesting, thought-provoking, or even just entertaining, but I can assure you that I will devote myself as best as I can to posting them on this obscure little page among the masses.  And, please, tell me your harshest critiques.  As an aspiring English major, I should be able to take them, or at least cry myself to sleep and learn from them years down the road.

I don't know about you, but I think that's hilarious! Isn't it great to see how we change over the years? I love reading things from the past (OK, this post isn't another endorsement for journaling, but I figured I might as well throw it in). Seriously, some of my old poems are little gems that allow me to see what I was dealing with at the time. And its crazy how those words bring back the memories, then the emotions connected to those memories. That's why I try not to read too much of my stuff at one time - its difficult to remember sometimes.

But there's a key in remembering too! Why else study history, but to learn the times and try to repeat the good and change the bad?! And even more so, for the Christian to remember is to recount the words and works of the Lord.

There have been too many times in my life that I lose the forest for the trees. I'm in a season like that right now - the problems of the day seem so big that I forget that God has the entire year wrapped up in the palm of His hand. And I know He's teaching me something through this night season, that I'm learning faith and trust during loneliness and what my identity is while wrestling with my own insecurities. But maybe that's my key as well - to remember the past seasons and how God has taken me through them. Lets just hope that this is a very very short winter.

I've just begun to realize that I am a huge proponent of journaling. I got my first journal when I was 6 years old, wrote in it for 5 days, then discovered it 10 years later with a lot of laughter (one memorable entry - "I've been sick with a 1,002 degree fever!"). Journaling is something that has faded in and out of my life through the years. I'm glad that I had the wisdom to keep a journal on all of my extended travels - again, most memorable, the 2 month long trip I spent sailing up the coast of Baja California - but I never continued it when the travels ended. So much of my life and thoughts from my youth are now committed to memory.

And that's where journaling helps. I've been keeping this discipline for almost 2 years now, and I can go back and read about my early days in Christ, when I was full of wonder. Then travel through times when I was overjoyed or in the depths of despair, and every season in between. It wasn't an easy habit to incorporate in my life. I would look at some of my friends that were diligent throughout college to write down their thoughts and revelations, their struggles and fears; and I would be envious. But once I made the effort, set aside the time, and committed to journaling, I never looked back.

The Psalm that has been an overarching theme for this season of my life has been Psalm 78. It's a Psalm that recounts the deeds of the Lord. Every time I asked the Lord what Psalm I should read, 78 is always the one He chose. And I wondered at it at first! It's long, it's dry, and it's boring when you already know the history of Israel. But then I started to focus on the first 4 verses, the 4th of which states: "We will not hide [your teachings] from [our ancestor's] descendants; we will tell the next generation the praiseworthy deeds of the Lord, His powers, and the wonders He has done." And that's what journaling does! It makes it possible for you to recount the deeds of the Lord, to look back and see how far the Lord has brought you. So many things the Lord does don't happen in an instant, but in a lifetime. And journaling helps us see that.

I can't wait to give my journals to my daughters and to my granddaughters. I sometimes think of what I could have learned and laughed about if my mom and grandma had kept journals. Its a loss I'll have to take in stride. Family traditions have to start somewhere!

God's Timetable

Whoa, this has been a while! Actually, way too long. Its just that I have my journal, my jobs, my friends, my commitments...too much stuff. But look, here I am. A year later. Still with thoughts. Amazing!

Ah, there's been a lot running through my head these days. Its like panning for gold - you have to go through a lot of dirt before you get that little chunk of precious metal. And unfortunately in this season, I've been going through a lot of dross to come up with a little treasure. But I'm confident all things will be revealed in time.

One of the things that I have been learning lately is waiting on God. I hate it. I hate waiting. Why can't life be like the Matrix, where all you have to do is sit down for an hour or two, and when you wake up you know everything about a certain subject. Its amazing that I can actually plan any kind of instrument because that takes patience.

It just feels like I've been waiting on the promises of God for a long time. And I know that I know that I know that those promises will come to pass, that His perfect plan and will is being worked out in my life, that I'm learning from every experience. Its just hard to see land when you're surrounded by the sea. I will say this though, I'm sure I'll be happy - maybe even exuberant - when these promises come to pass. Because they're great and precious. Worth waiting for?

Absolutely.

Prayer Works

Who knew?!???!?!??

...

Did anyone else grow up in a church where prayer was on the back burner? We all said prayers....together....in unison because it was printed in the bulletins (Episcopalian - yes). And it was always for big things - like world peace, or the end of hunger.

And praying big things is good (for example: "Your Kingdom come..."). But big things aren't practical because they aren't personal. And the more personal, the more specific the prayer, the more the Lord gets to show up!

And tonight He totally showed up with the kids. I've been battling these kids ever since I started working with them a month ago. Part of that battle may come because they don't know me yet, and part of it may come from the fact that its got about 90% boys that have wayyyyy more energy than I'm used to. And I finally prayed for them this morning, that they would know the Father's love and grow in wisdom and grace. They weren't perfect, but I was so impressed with how good they were. Now to pray for a love for them.

Oh, its going to be so hard to leave Santa Barbara if I start loving any more kids here! The kids at Christ Lutheran are already like sons and daughters to me. Ohhhh man!!!