It My Anniversary!

100 Posts!!! And it only took me 4 years....

In other news, I wanted to write an update on my experience at Bethel. Currently, I'm at my parent's house in Oakdale, CA, but for the past 3 weeks I've been living in Redding, CA. Why Redding? Because that is where God has placed me. For now, at least. If you haven't heard of it, there's a big, beautiful church on a hill on the outskirts of Redding where amazing things are happening. And I get to be a part of it! At least, for another week.

Its hard to explain what has changed within me from my experience there. My relationship with Jesus is so much more tangible, my worship is so much more joyful, my eyes see so much more. But how did that happen?! I don't even know! Maybe its from being around so many other people who are seeking the same things as me = to know God more intimately.

I'm going to give up describing it. But I've found out that those changes come out in conversation. So talk to me! hahahahaha

Trees and Things

Dear Readers,
I've been meditating for the past couple of days what it means to be saved by faith. Or more specifically, saved by faith and not by works. The Bible says a lot about works - both the Old and New Testaments stress both good deeds and righteous living. This is seen in the OT with laws and regulations, living life according to the moral code. The longest chapter in the Bible is Psalm 119, a song about the glories of God's law: "I treasure your word in my heart, so that I may not sin against you. . . .Turn my heart to your decrees, and not to selfish gain" (Ps 119: 11, 36).

But why is that? If we are saved by faith, which is the free gift of God (Eph 2:8-9), why work for anything? And why emphasize works in the first place? And what do we do with James, who writes: "What good is it, my brothers and sisters, if you say you have faith but do not have works? Can faith save you? . . . So faith by itself, if it has no works, is dead" (James 2:14, 17).

Works are important. Faith is important. What it boils down to is: which comes first.

Let me give you an example: the Pharisees. The Pharisees were a religious sect within Judaism, one of the three main sects at the time (the other two were the Sadducees and the Essenes). Their basis of religious life consisted of the law, and nothing but the law. They had rules and regulations for how many steps you could take on the Sabbath, the right ways in which to wash yourself, how to dress, how to eat, etc. This rigorous adherence to the law gained them righteousness. But Jesus calls them out on it: he says they have a false righteousness: "Either make the tree good, and its fruit good; or make the tree bad, and its fruit bad; for the tree is known by its fruit. You brood of vipers! How can you speak good things, when you are evil? For out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks" (Mt. 12:33-34). It's pretty clear: purify your heart and then your body!

Works can't get us into heaven. That phrase I've heard often: As long as I'm a good person.... And lets just put aside the fact that we have all sinned and fallen short of the glory of God (Rom. 3:23). But what if we could make it to heaven on our own merit? But see, therein lies the problem: our own merit. It is for God's own glory that He saves us, not for ours. And by attempting to make it to heaven with our own hands, we put ourselves in God's place. We hold our hand up and say, "That's enough Jesus, I can take it from here."

But the thing is, we can't! Not in the least! There is nothing that can give me eternal life, eternal happiness, eternal pleasure, endless joy other than accepting and sharing in the love of the Father for the Son. It reminds me of a scene in the movie Ever After, when the king, enraged by his petulant son, declares: "Then I will just deny you the crown, and live forever!" We laugh at that part, for we know that this is impossible: obviously the king has spoken before he has thought. Its like trying to make the freckles on your nose disappear or your legs grow longer - you have no control. We cannot save ourselves no more than we can make our hair turn grey.

But that's the great thing about Easter: Jesus does. He descended to earth, humbled himself and took the form of a man, died on the cross for my sins, and rose from the dead. He conquered death so that I might live. And that's why I have faith. Faith as a core, belief as a statute. Works spring forth from a pure heart, but are not the source. "Figs are not gathered from thorns, nor are grapes picked from a bramble bush. The good person out of the good treasure of the heart produces good, and the evil person out of evil treasure produces evil; for it is out of the abundance of the heart that the mouth speaks" (Luke 6:44-45). Amen.

People

Dear Readers,
Its almost been 6 months since I last posted.

That feels refreshing to admit. My writing has almost completely deadened for the moment, with the exception of a few crappy poems. I still feel this love for writing, like if I could only write down to the foundation of who I am, I could hold the world in the palm of my hand. Maybe I should become a cloistered nun, like Julian of Norwich. She found that kind of peace. But I don't think I'm the cloistered type. I like people too much.

And that's what I've been discovering these past 6 months - I like people. There aren't many things I do well, and fewer things that I feel absolutely passionate about. Working with people is one of the few that fits both of those categories for me. And it sucks too, because people hurt. They scratch and bite and frown and cry. But I love them anyway. And that's why I'm feeling more and more of a draw to work in the church long-term. Taking two of my greatest loves - God and His creation - and combining them.

We'll see.

If Music Be the Food of Love

Dearest Readers,
Does a melody ever make you want to cry? And not just cry readers - bawl your eyes out until you have nothing left, like you could gather all your emotions in your hand, open your palm, and let the wind carry them away? Sometimes I want to do that, just so I could have a second start, forge a new path for myself, clean out the furnace and put on a new log. But I don't think life works like that. I was just talking with a friend today about marriage. He said that he wanted to take a year-long honey moon so that he and his wife could reenter their lives completely reoriented toward each other. And I think in some ways, that would be nice. To take a vacation from the world, come back to find all your neighbors moved and tangles of weeds in the front yard, then start fresh. Pack your bags and move to a new city, a new life. A new world almost.

But somehow we carry ourselves - and not just ourselves, but our friends and families, the chipped blue paint on the front porch, the scar from the rusty watering can - all with us. We can't escape who we've been made and who we are being remade into. Maybe its all in our mind. But we can't remove our mind and wring it out like a dish towel.

In some sense though, we don't have to let our thoughts fester in our minds, to let the juices sink so deep that they dry into the foundation. We remake ourselves, freshen our lives with books and gardens, get away from ourselves by staring into the sky and then come back again to rediscover who we were all along.

And that readers is what happened to me. I was sitting in the sanctuary after church, just me and the stained glass. Everyone had gone home. The counters were cleaned and the dishes put away. And I played the piano and sang, and it felt like if I just kept singing, somehow I'd be able to break through the glass keeping me here - cut down the trees and see the horizon for what it really is: a crisp clear line in the setting sun, shades purple and gold rather than the watered blue that I can see from between the branches if I strain my eyes upward toward the heavens.

Coffee

Dear Readers,
Today I finished my third consecutive day of working at Coffee Bean and Tea Leaf in Carpinteria. While its not the most glamorous job, I decided to take it for a couple of reasons: 1. I want experience handling food 2. I don't want a stressful job and 3. I want FREE COFFEE! And the perks of this job only go as far as that, although I think I get $15 a month to purchase on store items. I first wanted a French Press, but after trying it today, I think I'm going to stick with plain coffee flavored with tons of cream - or a Chai tea latte (best thing EVER!).

So what haven't I learned how to do? Make a latte! Can you believe it? It seems like such a basic thing, but actually lattes are more complicated than the iced blended drinks because you have to deal with steam, which can be really scary. Plus, getting the milk to foam perfectly is quite an art (one that I'm beginning to master though). Espresso goes bad after 30 seconds, so you have to be really quick about serving it or putting it in a drink. I haven't even been told about different powders or syrups (maybe tomorrow...)

But more importantly, I'm learning. And as my boss always tells me: Its just coffee. No pressure.

Revision

Dear Readers,
I hate to revise my work. Especially my poetry. For some reason, I can't get it through my head that the finished product will be better than the beginning. And this semester has taught me a lot from that standpoint. Having to constantly revise my short story for Creative Writing taught me a lot about how to use the delete button on my computer. And while I still have a hard time letting phrases disappear from the page, I'm becoming more used to it.

So without further ado, here's a revision of the poem "Joy Eluded Us". I really like the way it turned out, which I guess speaks to the benefit of revision *shudder*. haha, but really readers, sometimes only practice makes perfect.

The day we learned

Joy eluded us in that moment, took
its black coat and slipped softly
out the glass doors. I remained
with the cold sunlight
that somehow pushed its way
through the black glazed windows.

There were violets outside the hospital,
rich blue-purple velvet, the kind of color
you want to dive into. They drooped
a little with the heat. Water would have helped.

That day we learned that germs
can’t travel through white, and hospital
beds can resemble coffins under the right
circumstances. But he wouldn’t go in one,
wouldn’t stop the day for a moment
to take off the stiff lab coat and enjoy
the weight of the full April sun
which burst through my open windows
where I sat thinking not of philosophy
nor the fact that my yellow roses
were starting to wilt from lack
of water.

ALSO - I mentioned a short story. If you would like to read that, just shoot me an email. Just to whet your appetite, its about two deadbeat men who rob a 7-11 to get money to start their own basement marijuana business. Don't you want to read more? haha

Down the Lane

Dear Readers,
I'm almost done with school! I can't believe it; it seems so close in my memory when I running on the playground of RC and thinking about how far away high school was. And now I'm almost done. Completely. Its ridiculous! And I'm not trying to think of it too much; trying to make it in Santa Barbara is daunting, but I'm confident that I can scrape by. But I'm not in the mood for the future right now readers. And the present is blah right now. So its the past that I can turn to.

Favorite memories from this semester:
-Sharyna (my roomie), the "comedy vampire"
-writing TONS of poetry
-chapel band awesomeness
-making tiramisu for my friends
-making food in general; I'm shamefully good at getting an al dente pasta
-cheap daffodils from Vons
-becoming completely addicted to the Food Network
-History of World Christianity: the class that has slowly sucked the soul from my body yet been the most healing thing at the same time. The world is a paradox.
-taking an hour out of every night for one whole week to learn all the steps to the Thriller dance
-having a car and yet taking the shuttle, and getting that good feeling when you know you're saving gas
-running around trying to find a vacuum
-visiting Maria and AmaDeus and playing their Steinway
-going to the beach at 6am to watch the sun rise
-orchestra tour: Disneyland: 8 hours of nonstop craziness!
-breakfast dates with Lucia Bostick
-playing the piano for fun
-meeting new people: Aimee, Megan, Anna, Sharyna, Lucia, Sarah, and so many more!
-writing letters
-making notebooks
-swimming!
-learning that I can actually function on 6 hours of sleep
-playing the crash cymbals in the orchestra
-learning how fast time really does go by

and so many more readers! I have 3 weeks, and am determined to make the most out of those weeks. Wish me luck!