Where are you going?

Dearest Readers,

What can I say? I've neglected you. I've neglected the voice inside me too. At least, have neglected to give myself a voice in cyberspace. Sometimes that's a good thing though, I do find myself quite thankful that not all of my innermost thoughts and feelings are on display for anyone and everyone to peruse. But I have neglected this blog, partly because I couldn't figure out how to find it. But it's found! And while I can't promise that I won't lose it again (seriously, how does that even happen?!), I can say that I'm happy to have it back. And who know, maybe I'll make a little more effort on posting here again! I mean, miracles do happen, right?

Ahhh, readers, it's so good to look back at the things I've written! What a confidence boost - I found myself actually liking and laughing at what I had to say back in the day!! Sometimes the things I write are so fresh and close to me that I can't really judge them with a true eye. And like most people (I think), I tend to be my worst critic. But, apparently, I'm not as bad of a writer as I thought! Hallelujah!

But I have been doing a little writing of my own lately. Mostly ghost-writing for people, although I know that one day I'll have a book or two out there written completely by me. And who knows? Maybe it could be even more. I guess you never know what God has planned, and for some reason, I've always felt like writing would be involved. Or at least, something creative. Because, ya know, I'm the creative type (wink, wink). Haha!

But really readers, what can I say? Life has been good recently. Hard. Very hard. I've just been facing some big, life-altering questions that I'm pretty sure that most people have to face one day. For example, one thing I've been facing has been whether or not to take an opportunity that would take me out of Santa Barbara. The decision was basically made from the get-go though, so I'll be grabbing that outstretched leadership position and make the move in a month or two. Really, only God knows when. And who knows, things can always change.

Well readers, I'd love to update you more, but time is ticking here and I need to get to bed. I'm very glad I've found you again though, and that I've found my thoughts and feelings from so long ago. Sometimes it's so good to look back and remember where the Lord has taken you, and how crazily he works that loom so that the fabric of your life fits so perfectly into his masterpiece. Looking back always reminds me of one quote from the Bible that always haunts me: When Hagar, abused by Sarai, runs away into the desert with Ishmael, an angel of the Lord meets her and asks her, "Where have you come from? And where are you going?" Good questions, right there. I have no idea.

Tea Bag Wisdom

Dear Readers,
It's true - today I've hit a milestone. Twenty five years. Twenty five years in which I've settled and moved, been torn apart in heart and spirit and rebuilt in the steadfast love of the Lord, got lost and was found. I can honestly say that I've (at least tried) to live life to its fullest, with a few bumps in that plan along the way. I've lived to tell the tale, and more importantly, I've picked up a few tips and tricks along the way.

And that's what I'd like to share with you. I don't claim to be wise, or to have anything close to wisdom, but what I've got is 25 years under my belt. Which I'd like to think is something.

So here goes, dearest readers: Thoughts on My 25th Birthday
1. Don't Waste Your Life
    Anyone having flashbacks of trying to read John Piper's similarly titled book, or is that just me?? But it is so true readers - life slips away, so much more quickly than you think. James 4 reminds us that life is like a vapor and Solomon protests in his old age that everything is vanity. Time is short. Spend it well.

2. Get Your Priorities Straight
    I've begun to realize more and more that I'm not into politics. And as much as I wish I cared more about our country, I'm so much more concerned with the Kingdom of God than the kingdoms of the earth. Heaven and earth will pass away, will be rolled up like a garment and changed out. But the word of the Lord will never fade. And whether its office politics or world events, I know that the Lord has it all in the palm of His hand. And given the choice, I'd rather see His hand with my own eyes than know of all the events on earth.

3. Keep Learning
    One of the wisest phrases I've ever heard is "I don't know." It's my heart's desire to come to a place of humility where this phrase comes out without thought. It's so amazingly important to keep the soil of our hearts and minds soft so that the Lord can plant His word and wisdom in our hearts. If we delude ourselves into thinking we know everything, we rob ourselves of valuable seeds. Wisdom doesn't come from debasing ourselves, but rather thanking more highly of others. Everyone has something to give. So receive. But remember to chew the meat and spit out the bones.


And there you have it. And if you're thinking to yourself, only three thoughts? Remember - I'm only 25.

The Church's One Foundation

Dear Readers,
I've been thinking more and more lately. As funny as that may sound, it does seems strange to me at the same time. I've always considered myself more of the daydreamer type, the kind of person who has a whole made-up interior space that is full of dreams and visions, flowers and kittens and butterflies. But not so much the actual, full-sentence thoughts.

That is, until recently.

There have been some heavy things on my mind. I've been thinking a lot about people, especially about leadership. And I've been thinking a lot about my church. IVC (Isla Vista Church - jesuslovesiv.com/islavistachurch.com) has just rounded its 10-year mark. And most of those 10 years were spent developing the church then surviving in the harsh, low-funded, always changing college town environment.

But things have changed. Seeds that were planted so long ago in the past are finally coming not only into full-fledged plants, but also into full bloom. We're going to be reaping a harvest soon. So much fruit is coming, I can just reach out my hand and hold it - it's that tangible.

The question remains - are we ready? Are we ready for the harvest that is coming: are we structured enough to deal with a flood, is our foundation firm, are our teachings solid? Right now we are laying the groundwork. It makes me want to run to Bethel so badly - to slip into a church that has everything established, buildings built, foundation firm. Sometimes I feel like IVC is a construction zone - everything is in the process of being put into place.

I guess that's the beauty of the harvest though. Sometimes we are meant in life to reap harvests that we didn't plant. But how much more rewarding it is to reap the fruit that you have planted. And in many ways, I wasn't the one planting these seeds - there are few of those laborers still at the church. But I have labored this past year with my fellow workers, and I'm ready to lay this foundation and clear out the construction equipment. Then we can get onto the most fun part - building the buildings.

Dreaming with God

Dear Readers,
On Easter Sunday I had the wonderful opportunity to be alone in a car for 6 hours. I had been in Oakdale for the weekend, but the drive had to be done both ways by myself, and while I spent the first one alternating between listening to an audiobook and singing at the top of my lungs, the trip back was a little different. I did finish the audio book, but when I stopped for gas I noticed a simple text message from a friend that said "The Holy Spirit is with you."

And for some reason, that released me. While He was there all along, I felt the heavy presence of the Lord when I got back in the car. So I turned off the stereo, sat back and relaxed in the bath of the Holy Spirit. And it was amazing - driving around those golden hills, sweeping through valleys and cresting hills, I saw my future laid before me. And it was beautiful.

It's hard for me not to get impatient for these times to come. I know that there is a point at which everything is going to blow up! And in the past year, things have blown up for me - now I have a church that I love, friends upon friends, leadership positions, community like I've never known it before. And yet...there are still parts of the puzzle missing.

And maybe that's what dreams are for - strength for today and bright hope...glistening hope....for tomorrow.

Words and More Words

Dearest Readers,
Sometimes I feel like writing a song - a good song, not just some chintzy, slapped-together, cliche-ridden tangle of words - is like birthing a child. Or what I imagine birthing a child would be like. Songs grow inside me. They don't flow like a fountain from me. I don't have that gift that my emotions and thoughts can come out expressly in poignant phrases. They have to develop, to become rich and deep. It's like making a reduction in cooking - you have to boil down all the excess thoughts and emotions so that whatever isn't necessary is burned out, leaving you with the powerful, tangy teaspoon of a thought. And that takes time for me.

I think its because in my heart, deep down to the core of my being, I am a fiction writer. And fiction writers, bless their hearts, write. A lot. I am not a woman of few words. In fact, I tend in the opposite. I can talk a lot, I can write a lot, and there are never enough words to express my true feelings.

I also have the problem of falling into the snare of cliches. When you try to write a song, especially a song to or about God, it's so easy to throw in an "amazing grace," "rain/flood/fountain of love," or even a "hallelujah, amen!" I want so badly for my words to be alive, dividing so precisely between joint and marrow so that they leave no room for underdone, overplayed phrases. I want my words to be fresh, not flowery. But it's hard - I love flowers. I love love. I love God - but I don't want to sing it like that.

But the good thing, dearest readers, is that I'm pregnant again (!) with a new song. I can feel it. It's like an itch that you can't scratch, a thought that has barely escaped your memory, a dream that you just can't quite remember. I have no idea what the words are, nor what the melody is, but I can feel it swelling inside me, getting ready to be birthed one day from the mind to the page. And that's something to get excited about!

What to do with Love

OK, here's a sonnet I just wrote. It's not quite traditional, although I'm not quite traditional so I feel like it works. Let me just say - its in the starting phases, and I don't know if it will ever get past that, but I couldn't get to sleep tonight because the Holy Spirit was just super heavy tonight and after an encounter like that I always have trouble sleeping. Sigh. But here's the fruit!!

With words I paint a symphony of love.

Wrap form and phrase around pictures of what

the rise and fall of breathe and life above

the sky, where you and I will meet and cut

along the edge of what boundary means.

With ones and twos and threes, we come along

paths together to discover the things 

that were meant to be said and told so long

ago. That you carry my heart with yours,

wrap me with love so thick the weight burdens

my heart for this cold world, with it’s sores

so deep and cruel that only fools so yearn

for redemption. But that is what your love will do.

Change hearts and minds and souls with truth. 

Dear Readers,
I've been doing a little reading myself lately. Mostly of this blog. Wahahahahah! No, no, I will say that I spent two good hours this morning alone in a coffee shop with nothing but my Bible, journal, and Bill Johnson's book Release the Power of Jesus. But for the past 15 minutes or so, I've been discovering the hidden gems in my own blog. Take this post for example:

I can't promise that my life and thoughts will be interesting, thought-provoking, or even just entertaining, but I can assure you that I will devote myself as best as I can to posting them on this obscure little page among the masses.  And, please, tell me your harshest critiques.  As an aspiring English major, I should be able to take them, or at least cry myself to sleep and learn from them years down the road.

I don't know about you, but I think that's hilarious! Isn't it great to see how we change over the years? I love reading things from the past (OK, this post isn't another endorsement for journaling, but I figured I might as well throw it in). Seriously, some of my old poems are little gems that allow me to see what I was dealing with at the time. And its crazy how those words bring back the memories, then the emotions connected to those memories. That's why I try not to read too much of my stuff at one time - its difficult to remember sometimes.

But there's a key in remembering too! Why else study history, but to learn the times and try to repeat the good and change the bad?! And even more so, for the Christian to remember is to recount the words and works of the Lord.

There have been too many times in my life that I lose the forest for the trees. I'm in a season like that right now - the problems of the day seem so big that I forget that God has the entire year wrapped up in the palm of His hand. And I know He's teaching me something through this night season, that I'm learning faith and trust during loneliness and what my identity is while wrestling with my own insecurities. But maybe that's my key as well - to remember the past seasons and how God has taken me through them. Lets just hope that this is a very very short winter.

I've just begun to realize that I am a huge proponent of journaling. I got my first journal when I was 6 years old, wrote in it for 5 days, then discovered it 10 years later with a lot of laughter (one memorable entry - "I've been sick with a 1,002 degree fever!"). Journaling is something that has faded in and out of my life through the years. I'm glad that I had the wisdom to keep a journal on all of my extended travels - again, most memorable, the 2 month long trip I spent sailing up the coast of Baja California - but I never continued it when the travels ended. So much of my life and thoughts from my youth are now committed to memory.

And that's where journaling helps. I've been keeping this discipline for almost 2 years now, and I can go back and read about my early days in Christ, when I was full of wonder. Then travel through times when I was overjoyed or in the depths of despair, and every season in between. It wasn't an easy habit to incorporate in my life. I would look at some of my friends that were diligent throughout college to write down their thoughts and revelations, their struggles and fears; and I would be envious. But once I made the effort, set aside the time, and committed to journaling, I never looked back.

The Psalm that has been an overarching theme for this season of my life has been Psalm 78. It's a Psalm that recounts the deeds of the Lord. Every time I asked the Lord what Psalm I should read, 78 is always the one He chose. And I wondered at it at first! It's long, it's dry, and it's boring when you already know the history of Israel. But then I started to focus on the first 4 verses, the 4th of which states: "We will not hide [your teachings] from [our ancestor's] descendants; we will tell the next generation the praiseworthy deeds of the Lord, His powers, and the wonders He has done." And that's what journaling does! It makes it possible for you to recount the deeds of the Lord, to look back and see how far the Lord has brought you. So many things the Lord does don't happen in an instant, but in a lifetime. And journaling helps us see that.

I can't wait to give my journals to my daughters and to my granddaughters. I sometimes think of what I could have learned and laughed about if my mom and grandma had kept journals. Its a loss I'll have to take in stride. Family traditions have to start somewhere!

God's Timetable

Whoa, this has been a while! Actually, way too long. Its just that I have my journal, my jobs, my friends, my commitments...too much stuff. But look, here I am. A year later. Still with thoughts. Amazing!

Ah, there's been a lot running through my head these days. Its like panning for gold - you have to go through a lot of dirt before you get that little chunk of precious metal. And unfortunately in this season, I've been going through a lot of dross to come up with a little treasure. But I'm confident all things will be revealed in time.

One of the things that I have been learning lately is waiting on God. I hate it. I hate waiting. Why can't life be like the Matrix, where all you have to do is sit down for an hour or two, and when you wake up you know everything about a certain subject. Its amazing that I can actually plan any kind of instrument because that takes patience.

It just feels like I've been waiting on the promises of God for a long time. And I know that I know that I know that those promises will come to pass, that His perfect plan and will is being worked out in my life, that I'm learning from every experience. Its just hard to see land when you're surrounded by the sea. I will say this though, I'm sure I'll be happy - maybe even exuberant - when these promises come to pass. Because they're great and precious. Worth waiting for?

Absolutely.

Prayer Works

Who knew?!???!?!??

...

Did anyone else grow up in a church where prayer was on the back burner? We all said prayers....together....in unison because it was printed in the bulletins (Episcopalian - yes). And it was always for big things - like world peace, or the end of hunger.

And praying big things is good (for example: "Your Kingdom come..."). But big things aren't practical because they aren't personal. And the more personal, the more specific the prayer, the more the Lord gets to show up!

And tonight He totally showed up with the kids. I've been battling these kids ever since I started working with them a month ago. Part of that battle may come because they don't know me yet, and part of it may come from the fact that its got about 90% boys that have wayyyyy more energy than I'm used to. And I finally prayed for them this morning, that they would know the Father's love and grow in wisdom and grace. They weren't perfect, but I was so impressed with how good they were. Now to pray for a love for them.

Oh, its going to be so hard to leave Santa Barbara if I start loving any more kids here! The kids at Christ Lutheran are already like sons and daughters to me. Ohhhh man!!!

Sons of Issachar

I think most people hate change. Or at least, hate change that is uncomfortable.

Although that's a little bit of a blanket statement - there is a broad range on this spectrum. A perfect example of this is the difference between me and the people at my church. They freak out the most minor adjustment in the schedule or mistake in the bulletin, while it takes a little more to get me to speak up.

And I guess that's something that I've been learning lately. We all go through seasons in life. But sometimes its hard to change seasons. I get so used to wearing shorts, that it shocks me the day I step outside and into a puddle.

One of the biggest things I'm learning right now is that my time with God can go through seasons, and that its OK. The past year I've become so dependent on connecting with God through visions. Every day would be just me and God, me and God, me and God. We'd spend time walking on the beach, eating lunches together, sitting in our garden. And I loved it. And I miss it.

God's brought me into a new season. And I've been holding on so tightly to those visions, to that super-tangible way of experiencing God's presence. I know that I can go back there at any point, I know that God lives inside of me. And yet....

So what's the new season? It took me about a month to figure out what was going on, but I've realized that God has placed inside me a deep love and longing for His word, which is something that I've never had! It exciting, especially since I've started memorizing verses, which has already come in handy. Now, if only I can get to be like the sons of Issachar, who understood the times and knew what Israel should do..... Maybe this season will be followed by a season of prayer. That can be first on the list. :0)

The Vision

If I could recommend one book, out of all the books I've read throughout my entire life, no other book has spoken to me, touched me, or moved me as much as Rick Joyner's "The Vision". Its basically one humongous vision that the Lord gave him about the end times, the church, and the worship in Heaven. And tonight I finished it (its been process).

This passage made me cry:

"Then the Father became intent on one thing. All of heaven seemed to stop and watch. He was beholding the cross. The Son's love for His Father which He continued to express through all of the pain and darkness then coming upon Him touched the Father so deeply that He began to quake. When He did, heaven and earth quaked. When the Father closed His eyes, heaven and earth grew dark. The emotion of the Father was so great that I did not think I could have survived if I had beheld this scene for more than the brief moment that I did.

"Then I was in a different place, beholding a worship service in a little church building. As sometimes happens in a prophetic experience, I just seemed to know everything about everyone in the battered little room. All were experiencing severe trials in their lives, but they were not even thinking of them here. They were not praying about their needs. They were all trying to compose songs of thanksgiving to the Lord. They were happy, and their joy was sincere.

"I saw heaven, and all of heaven was weeping. I then saw the Father again and knew why heaven was weeping. They were weeping because of the tears in the eyes of the Father. This little group of seemingly beaten down, struggling people had moved God so deeply that He wept. They were not tears of pain, but of joy. When I saw the love that He felt for these few worshipers, I could not contain my own tears.

"I saw Jesus standing next to the Father. Beholding the joy of the Father as He watched the little prayer meeting, He turned to me and said, 'This is why I went to the cross. Giving My Father joy for just one moment would have been worth it all. Your worship can cause Him joy every day. Your worship when you are in the midst of difficulties touches Him even more than all of the worship of heaven. Here, where His glory is seen, the angels cannot help but to worship. When you worship without seeing His glory in the midst of your trials, that is worship in Spirit and truth.'"

I needed to hear that.

Addicted to Coffee(shops?)

I just got offered another interview for a job today. My first thought was "The Lord's favor is so with me!" But, now that I'm up late, sleepless but determined not to take a sleeping pill, I'm rethinking that statement. Yes, its awesome to be considered for a job position, and even more exciting to get one! But I think I might be addicted to that feeling, or at least on my way. As exciting as a new job offer is, the fact remains = you have to do the work. And I'm not sure that I want to add anything else to my plate at the moment - its pretty full already.

One reason I'm considering taking this job (if its offered), is that I loved my experience at Coffee Bean. I loved my boss, loved my co-workers, loved the customers, loved making the drinks, loved scrubbing the toilet . . . . OK, that might be taking it a little too far, but you get the point. I had a really good experience in Carp, and sometimes I wish I could go back. And I know that I've been more and more drawn into the church recently, which has been amazing in and of itself. But I really felt like I was making a difference at Coffee Bean, as strange as that sounds.

Another reason I have to face this job is that I have a really hard time saying no. Boo! I wish I just knew what I wanted and that was that. But I'm that person at the buffet who has to get 3 plates of food because I want to try everything! And anytime a job is offered to me, I'm like "I can totally do that!" But its not about if I can do it, or even what it would be like - I want to live a manageable life.

That was one of my problems with the secretarial positions I held at Hope 4 Kids. I hated rushing around, throwing together my work at Christ Lutheran, then getting home and feeling too tired to do anything.

So I guess the question boils down to - have I learned my lesson? In a sense, only time will tell ;0)

Lights Out

Does anyone else have it where you get a great idea when you're doing something, and then by the time you have time to write it down, its fallen out of your mind and you're left with the same plain old thoughts?

That happened to me today. I was at the gym, reading "The Call" by Rick Joyner, and I had this brilliant thought on God's just nature, and I was intending to blog about it. And now I'm stuck writing about the same old stuff.

And yes, this blog post is also written late because I couldn't sleep, and hopefully I don't get too loopy from the sleeping pill I just took. Seriously, I couldn't remember what I'd written in my previous post the day after because of the sleeping pill.

The Christian Worker

I really don't know why I'm up right now. Does anyone else have those nights where you just toss and turn for hours, and then the only thing you think that will calm you down is some music, but you're roommate is sleeping so you're forced to go downstairs to sit on the computer and wait for your body to calm down? Unfortunately, those nights are almost all my nights at the moment, but I have faith that one day I won't have to deal with any sort of insomnia.

One of the things that has been pricking at my brain for a few weeks now is a new job I accepted at a church in Goleta called Light and Life. Funny enough, that's the church that shares Christ Lutheran's building, so basically I work for 2 churches but don't have to leave the property. Convenient.

It just blows my mind that the Lord seems to be drawing me into the church - aren't the people outside of the church those that need Christians? Isn't it basic logic, or even just plain common sense, that strong Christians need to be out in the world saving the lost and loving the broken-hearted?

And yet....

Here I am, comfy cosy in not one, but two congregations, and really am enjoying my work at both churches. Its a blessing to see how each church works, how they go about their business, how and who gets things done. And I love being in the church in general, surrounded by people who at least agree that Jesus is Lord with their lips. Now that's the sticky thing inside the church: how do you mentor and help someone who needs a spiritual revolution in their life, who needs to meet Jesus face to face and repent? How do you lead people into a deep, personal, intimate, loving, beautiful, captivating relationship with a stranger they don't know?

So I guess that's the weight upon my shoulders right now, but I get the kids, so I get to ask all those questions in light of how it would effect the kids. And I guess that would be my goal for this next year: to help them understand what it means to have a relationship with the Lord, how to personally know Jesus, how to feel His Love and His Grace in your life. Exciting stuff!

It My Anniversary!

100 Posts!!! And it only took me 4 years....

In other news, I wanted to write an update on my experience at Bethel. Currently, I'm at my parent's house in Oakdale, CA, but for the past 3 weeks I've been living in Redding, CA. Why Redding? Because that is where God has placed me. For now, at least. If you haven't heard of it, there's a big, beautiful church on a hill on the outskirts of Redding where amazing things are happening. And I get to be a part of it! At least, for another week.

Its hard to explain what has changed within me from my experience there. My relationship with Jesus is so much more tangible, my worship is so much more joyful, my eyes see so much more. But how did that happen?! I don't even know! Maybe its from being around so many other people who are seeking the same things as me = to know God more intimately.

I'm going to give up describing it. But I've found out that those changes come out in conversation. So talk to me! hahahahaha

Trees and Things

Dear Readers,
I've been meditating for the past couple of days what it means to be saved by faith. Or more specifically, saved by faith and not by works. The Bible says a lot about works - both the Old and New Testaments stress both good deeds and righteous living. This is seen in the OT with laws and regulations, living life according to the moral code. The longest chapter in the Bible is Psalm 119, a song about the glories of God's law: "I treasure your word in my heart, so that I may not sin against you. . . .Turn my heart to your decrees, and not to selfish gain" (Ps 119: 11, 36).

But why is that? If we are saved by faith, which is the free gift of God (Eph 2:8-9), why work for anything? And why emphasize works in the first place? And what do we do with James, who writes: "What good is it, my brothers and sisters, if you say you have faith but do not have works? Can faith save you? . . . So faith by itself, if it has no works, is dead" (James 2:14, 17).

Works are important. Faith is important. What it boils down to is: which comes first.

Let me give you an example: the Pharisees. The Pharisees were a religious sect within Judaism, one of the three main sects at the time (the other two were the Sadducees and the Essenes). Their basis of religious life consisted of the law, and nothing but the law. They had rules and regulations for how many steps you could take on the Sabbath, the right ways in which to wash yourself, how to dress, how to eat, etc. This rigorous adherence to the law gained them righteousness. But Jesus calls them out on it: he says they have a false righteousness: "Either make the tree good, and its fruit good; or make the tree bad, and its fruit bad; for the tree is known by its fruit. You brood of vipers! How can you speak good things, when you are evil? For out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks" (Mt. 12:33-34). It's pretty clear: purify your heart and then your body!

Works can't get us into heaven. That phrase I've heard often: As long as I'm a good person.... And lets just put aside the fact that we have all sinned and fallen short of the glory of God (Rom. 3:23). But what if we could make it to heaven on our own merit? But see, therein lies the problem: our own merit. It is for God's own glory that He saves us, not for ours. And by attempting to make it to heaven with our own hands, we put ourselves in God's place. We hold our hand up and say, "That's enough Jesus, I can take it from here."

But the thing is, we can't! Not in the least! There is nothing that can give me eternal life, eternal happiness, eternal pleasure, endless joy other than accepting and sharing in the love of the Father for the Son. It reminds me of a scene in the movie Ever After, when the king, enraged by his petulant son, declares: "Then I will just deny you the crown, and live forever!" We laugh at that part, for we know that this is impossible: obviously the king has spoken before he has thought. Its like trying to make the freckles on your nose disappear or your legs grow longer - you have no control. We cannot save ourselves no more than we can make our hair turn grey.

But that's the great thing about Easter: Jesus does. He descended to earth, humbled himself and took the form of a man, died on the cross for my sins, and rose from the dead. He conquered death so that I might live. And that's why I have faith. Faith as a core, belief as a statute. Works spring forth from a pure heart, but are not the source. "Figs are not gathered from thorns, nor are grapes picked from a bramble bush. The good person out of the good treasure of the heart produces good, and the evil person out of evil treasure produces evil; for it is out of the abundance of the heart that the mouth speaks" (Luke 6:44-45). Amen.

People

Dear Readers,
Its almost been 6 months since I last posted.

That feels refreshing to admit. My writing has almost completely deadened for the moment, with the exception of a few crappy poems. I still feel this love for writing, like if I could only write down to the foundation of who I am, I could hold the world in the palm of my hand. Maybe I should become a cloistered nun, like Julian of Norwich. She found that kind of peace. But I don't think I'm the cloistered type. I like people too much.

And that's what I've been discovering these past 6 months - I like people. There aren't many things I do well, and fewer things that I feel absolutely passionate about. Working with people is one of the few that fits both of those categories for me. And it sucks too, because people hurt. They scratch and bite and frown and cry. But I love them anyway. And that's why I'm feeling more and more of a draw to work in the church long-term. Taking two of my greatest loves - God and His creation - and combining them.

We'll see.

If Music Be the Food of Love

Dearest Readers,
Does a melody ever make you want to cry? And not just cry readers - bawl your eyes out until you have nothing left, like you could gather all your emotions in your hand, open your palm, and let the wind carry them away? Sometimes I want to do that, just so I could have a second start, forge a new path for myself, clean out the furnace and put on a new log. But I don't think life works like that. I was just talking with a friend today about marriage. He said that he wanted to take a year-long honey moon so that he and his wife could reenter their lives completely reoriented toward each other. And I think in some ways, that would be nice. To take a vacation from the world, come back to find all your neighbors moved and tangles of weeds in the front yard, then start fresh. Pack your bags and move to a new city, a new life. A new world almost.

But somehow we carry ourselves - and not just ourselves, but our friends and families, the chipped blue paint on the front porch, the scar from the rusty watering can - all with us. We can't escape who we've been made and who we are being remade into. Maybe its all in our mind. But we can't remove our mind and wring it out like a dish towel.

In some sense though, we don't have to let our thoughts fester in our minds, to let the juices sink so deep that they dry into the foundation. We remake ourselves, freshen our lives with books and gardens, get away from ourselves by staring into the sky and then come back again to rediscover who we were all along.

And that readers is what happened to me. I was sitting in the sanctuary after church, just me and the stained glass. Everyone had gone home. The counters were cleaned and the dishes put away. And I played the piano and sang, and it felt like if I just kept singing, somehow I'd be able to break through the glass keeping me here - cut down the trees and see the horizon for what it really is: a crisp clear line in the setting sun, shades purple and gold rather than the watered blue that I can see from between the branches if I strain my eyes upward toward the heavens.

Coffee

Dear Readers,
Today I finished my third consecutive day of working at Coffee Bean and Tea Leaf in Carpinteria. While its not the most glamorous job, I decided to take it for a couple of reasons: 1. I want experience handling food 2. I don't want a stressful job and 3. I want FREE COFFEE! And the perks of this job only go as far as that, although I think I get $15 a month to purchase on store items. I first wanted a French Press, but after trying it today, I think I'm going to stick with plain coffee flavored with tons of cream - or a Chai tea latte (best thing EVER!).

So what haven't I learned how to do? Make a latte! Can you believe it? It seems like such a basic thing, but actually lattes are more complicated than the iced blended drinks because you have to deal with steam, which can be really scary. Plus, getting the milk to foam perfectly is quite an art (one that I'm beginning to master though). Espresso goes bad after 30 seconds, so you have to be really quick about serving it or putting it in a drink. I haven't even been told about different powders or syrups (maybe tomorrow...)

But more importantly, I'm learning. And as my boss always tells me: Its just coffee. No pressure.