Where are you going?

Dearest Readers,

What can I say? I've neglected you. I've neglected the voice inside me too. At least, have neglected to give myself a voice in cyberspace. Sometimes that's a good thing though, I do find myself quite thankful that not all of my innermost thoughts and feelings are on display for anyone and everyone to peruse. But I have neglected this blog, partly because I couldn't figure out how to find it. But it's found! And while I can't promise that I won't lose it again (seriously, how does that even happen?!), I can say that I'm happy to have it back. And who know, maybe I'll make a little more effort on posting here again! I mean, miracles do happen, right?

Ahhh, readers, it's so good to look back at the things I've written! What a confidence boost - I found myself actually liking and laughing at what I had to say back in the day!! Sometimes the things I write are so fresh and close to me that I can't really judge them with a true eye. And like most people (I think), I tend to be my worst critic. But, apparently, I'm not as bad of a writer as I thought! Hallelujah!

But I have been doing a little writing of my own lately. Mostly ghost-writing for people, although I know that one day I'll have a book or two out there written completely by me. And who knows? Maybe it could be even more. I guess you never know what God has planned, and for some reason, I've always felt like writing would be involved. Or at least, something creative. Because, ya know, I'm the creative type (wink, wink). Haha!

But really readers, what can I say? Life has been good recently. Hard. Very hard. I've just been facing some big, life-altering questions that I'm pretty sure that most people have to face one day. For example, one thing I've been facing has been whether or not to take an opportunity that would take me out of Santa Barbara. The decision was basically made from the get-go though, so I'll be grabbing that outstretched leadership position and make the move in a month or two. Really, only God knows when. And who knows, things can always change.

Well readers, I'd love to update you more, but time is ticking here and I need to get to bed. I'm very glad I've found you again though, and that I've found my thoughts and feelings from so long ago. Sometimes it's so good to look back and remember where the Lord has taken you, and how crazily he works that loom so that the fabric of your life fits so perfectly into his masterpiece. Looking back always reminds me of one quote from the Bible that always haunts me: When Hagar, abused by Sarai, runs away into the desert with Ishmael, an angel of the Lord meets her and asks her, "Where have you come from? And where are you going?" Good questions, right there. I have no idea.

Tea Bag Wisdom

Dear Readers,
It's true - today I've hit a milestone. Twenty five years. Twenty five years in which I've settled and moved, been torn apart in heart and spirit and rebuilt in the steadfast love of the Lord, got lost and was found. I can honestly say that I've (at least tried) to live life to its fullest, with a few bumps in that plan along the way. I've lived to tell the tale, and more importantly, I've picked up a few tips and tricks along the way.

And that's what I'd like to share with you. I don't claim to be wise, or to have anything close to wisdom, but what I've got is 25 years under my belt. Which I'd like to think is something.

So here goes, dearest readers: Thoughts on My 25th Birthday
1. Don't Waste Your Life
    Anyone having flashbacks of trying to read John Piper's similarly titled book, or is that just me?? But it is so true readers - life slips away, so much more quickly than you think. James 4 reminds us that life is like a vapor and Solomon protests in his old age that everything is vanity. Time is short. Spend it well.

2. Get Your Priorities Straight
    I've begun to realize more and more that I'm not into politics. And as much as I wish I cared more about our country, I'm so much more concerned with the Kingdom of God than the kingdoms of the earth. Heaven and earth will pass away, will be rolled up like a garment and changed out. But the word of the Lord will never fade. And whether its office politics or world events, I know that the Lord has it all in the palm of His hand. And given the choice, I'd rather see His hand with my own eyes than know of all the events on earth.

3. Keep Learning
    One of the wisest phrases I've ever heard is "I don't know." It's my heart's desire to come to a place of humility where this phrase comes out without thought. It's so amazingly important to keep the soil of our hearts and minds soft so that the Lord can plant His word and wisdom in our hearts. If we delude ourselves into thinking we know everything, we rob ourselves of valuable seeds. Wisdom doesn't come from debasing ourselves, but rather thanking more highly of others. Everyone has something to give. So receive. But remember to chew the meat and spit out the bones.


And there you have it. And if you're thinking to yourself, only three thoughts? Remember - I'm only 25.

The Church's One Foundation

Dear Readers,
I've been thinking more and more lately. As funny as that may sound, it does seems strange to me at the same time. I've always considered myself more of the daydreamer type, the kind of person who has a whole made-up interior space that is full of dreams and visions, flowers and kittens and butterflies. But not so much the actual, full-sentence thoughts.

That is, until recently.

There have been some heavy things on my mind. I've been thinking a lot about people, especially about leadership. And I've been thinking a lot about my church. IVC (Isla Vista Church - jesuslovesiv.com/islavistachurch.com) has just rounded its 10-year mark. And most of those 10 years were spent developing the church then surviving in the harsh, low-funded, always changing college town environment.

But things have changed. Seeds that were planted so long ago in the past are finally coming not only into full-fledged plants, but also into full bloom. We're going to be reaping a harvest soon. So much fruit is coming, I can just reach out my hand and hold it - it's that tangible.

The question remains - are we ready? Are we ready for the harvest that is coming: are we structured enough to deal with a flood, is our foundation firm, are our teachings solid? Right now we are laying the groundwork. It makes me want to run to Bethel so badly - to slip into a church that has everything established, buildings built, foundation firm. Sometimes I feel like IVC is a construction zone - everything is in the process of being put into place.

I guess that's the beauty of the harvest though. Sometimes we are meant in life to reap harvests that we didn't plant. But how much more rewarding it is to reap the fruit that you have planted. And in many ways, I wasn't the one planting these seeds - there are few of those laborers still at the church. But I have labored this past year with my fellow workers, and I'm ready to lay this foundation and clear out the construction equipment. Then we can get onto the most fun part - building the buildings.

Dreaming with God

Dear Readers,
On Easter Sunday I had the wonderful opportunity to be alone in a car for 6 hours. I had been in Oakdale for the weekend, but the drive had to be done both ways by myself, and while I spent the first one alternating between listening to an audiobook and singing at the top of my lungs, the trip back was a little different. I did finish the audio book, but when I stopped for gas I noticed a simple text message from a friend that said "The Holy Spirit is with you."

And for some reason, that released me. While He was there all along, I felt the heavy presence of the Lord when I got back in the car. So I turned off the stereo, sat back and relaxed in the bath of the Holy Spirit. And it was amazing - driving around those golden hills, sweeping through valleys and cresting hills, I saw my future laid before me. And it was beautiful.

It's hard for me not to get impatient for these times to come. I know that there is a point at which everything is going to blow up! And in the past year, things have blown up for me - now I have a church that I love, friends upon friends, leadership positions, community like I've never known it before. And yet...there are still parts of the puzzle missing.

And maybe that's what dreams are for - strength for today and bright hope...glistening hope....for tomorrow.

Words and More Words

Dearest Readers,
Sometimes I feel like writing a song - a good song, not just some chintzy, slapped-together, cliche-ridden tangle of words - is like birthing a child. Or what I imagine birthing a child would be like. Songs grow inside me. They don't flow like a fountain from me. I don't have that gift that my emotions and thoughts can come out expressly in poignant phrases. They have to develop, to become rich and deep. It's like making a reduction in cooking - you have to boil down all the excess thoughts and emotions so that whatever isn't necessary is burned out, leaving you with the powerful, tangy teaspoon of a thought. And that takes time for me.

I think its because in my heart, deep down to the core of my being, I am a fiction writer. And fiction writers, bless their hearts, write. A lot. I am not a woman of few words. In fact, I tend in the opposite. I can talk a lot, I can write a lot, and there are never enough words to express my true feelings.

I also have the problem of falling into the snare of cliches. When you try to write a song, especially a song to or about God, it's so easy to throw in an "amazing grace," "rain/flood/fountain of love," or even a "hallelujah, amen!" I want so badly for my words to be alive, dividing so precisely between joint and marrow so that they leave no room for underdone, overplayed phrases. I want my words to be fresh, not flowery. But it's hard - I love flowers. I love love. I love God - but I don't want to sing it like that.

But the good thing, dearest readers, is that I'm pregnant again (!) with a new song. I can feel it. It's like an itch that you can't scratch, a thought that has barely escaped your memory, a dream that you just can't quite remember. I have no idea what the words are, nor what the melody is, but I can feel it swelling inside me, getting ready to be birthed one day from the mind to the page. And that's something to get excited about!

What to do with Love

OK, here's a sonnet I just wrote. It's not quite traditional, although I'm not quite traditional so I feel like it works. Let me just say - its in the starting phases, and I don't know if it will ever get past that, but I couldn't get to sleep tonight because the Holy Spirit was just super heavy tonight and after an encounter like that I always have trouble sleeping. Sigh. But here's the fruit!!

With words I paint a symphony of love.

Wrap form and phrase around pictures of what

the rise and fall of breathe and life above

the sky, where you and I will meet and cut

along the edge of what boundary means.

With ones and twos and threes, we come along

paths together to discover the things 

that were meant to be said and told so long

ago. That you carry my heart with yours,

wrap me with love so thick the weight burdens

my heart for this cold world, with it’s sores

so deep and cruel that only fools so yearn

for redemption. But that is what your love will do.

Change hearts and minds and souls with truth. 

Dear Readers,
I've been doing a little reading myself lately. Mostly of this blog. Wahahahahah! No, no, I will say that I spent two good hours this morning alone in a coffee shop with nothing but my Bible, journal, and Bill Johnson's book Release the Power of Jesus. But for the past 15 minutes or so, I've been discovering the hidden gems in my own blog. Take this post for example:

I can't promise that my life and thoughts will be interesting, thought-provoking, or even just entertaining, but I can assure you that I will devote myself as best as I can to posting them on this obscure little page among the masses.  And, please, tell me your harshest critiques.  As an aspiring English major, I should be able to take them, or at least cry myself to sleep and learn from them years down the road.

I don't know about you, but I think that's hilarious! Isn't it great to see how we change over the years? I love reading things from the past (OK, this post isn't another endorsement for journaling, but I figured I might as well throw it in). Seriously, some of my old poems are little gems that allow me to see what I was dealing with at the time. And its crazy how those words bring back the memories, then the emotions connected to those memories. That's why I try not to read too much of my stuff at one time - its difficult to remember sometimes.

But there's a key in remembering too! Why else study history, but to learn the times and try to repeat the good and change the bad?! And even more so, for the Christian to remember is to recount the words and works of the Lord.

There have been too many times in my life that I lose the forest for the trees. I'm in a season like that right now - the problems of the day seem so big that I forget that God has the entire year wrapped up in the palm of His hand. And I know He's teaching me something through this night season, that I'm learning faith and trust during loneliness and what my identity is while wrestling with my own insecurities. But maybe that's my key as well - to remember the past seasons and how God has taken me through them. Lets just hope that this is a very very short winter.